On Taking A Year Off From Any Marathon Race and Making Amends

It might be the best thing in my running journey so far..

My Borobudur (Half) Marathon Medal in 2018.

The year 2020 marks the fifth year since I decided that running would be my main choice of exercise. However, 2020 is also a reminder for me that I have taken a whole year off from any marathon race.

The funny thing is I don't really miss it that much. Yeah, sure, I sometimes miss hearing the sound of thousand pairs of running shoes beating on the streets all at once, high-five-ing fellow runners along the route, or having the endorphin rush when I crossed the finish line.

Let me tell you what happened behind all those celebratory moments. I had to wake up at (at least) 3.00 am on race days. Waking up feeling the lack of sleep kicking your butt was never ideal nor motivational before starting a race.

It was usually worsened by the anxiety and trouble sleeping I had the night before.

Oh, and as a Muslim, I had to offer my dawn prayer with such a rush on race days, since the race here typically started at 4.30 or 5.00 am depending on the distance category you would run for.

While participating in a running race, my main goal was to get the medal at my desired time.

With all the messed-up feelings even before I got to the starting line, my sole fear that day would be having a DNF (do not finish) status or an injury along the way.

And while I was participating in a running race, my main goal was to get the medal at my desired time, avoiding completely what my body would need in such a stressful time.

I've come to an honest conclusion:

Participating in a running race can be too much of a hassle for me.

When I am running, I am supposed to enjoy and respect the run, despite how many kilometers I may endure or whatever pace I may keep myself at.

Running has become the means for collecting more and more medals.

I realize now that my life doesn’t need my speed in running. I don’t have to be the fastest and fittest runner out there, because I could never be one.

Unlike the slogan on my Garmin watch, I may not want to beat yesterday. I may just be happy with what I achieved today.

I am a slow runner, and may forever will be one. Thing is, I’m okay with that.

I now run at least twice a week. I don't set any target on kilometer or pace. Just following my feet. Heck, a couple of times I even forgot to wear my running watch.

For me nowadays, I see running as my therapy. It’s the only time I got to spend some time alone with myself and my loud thoughts. It’s the only time I can listen to my endless podcast playlist without being interrupted.

When I am running, it’s one of those times when I feel good about myself and my life, knowing that I am taking care of my body.

It’s the time that I know for sure that I don’t take my current health for granted.

Maybe someday I will see the enjoyment of participating in a running race again. But when the time comes, it will be less about collecting medals or proving to myself that I can do it, or such tangible reasons.

It will be about spreading the enjoyment of running with fellow runners.

But until then, here I am, still running and out of breath. Still putting one foot in front of the other, and the other and the other and the other.

One foot at a time.